“Are the cameras all rolling?
Is the mike hot? Good! This is Senator John McCain, talking to America from the
Senate Press Gallery, yet again – hey, kid, never ever get between me and a
camera!...And I am here today, to warn you of yet another Obama scandal that is
rocking the nation. Something which will be a tragedy for little children all
across this great land of ours. THE WAR ON TWINKIES. It is obvious to a child
of ten, that this dastardly attack on one of our most cherished childhood
foods, has been masterminded, behind closed doors, in the dark of night, by an
evil conspiracy of union thugs, and their arugula-eating stooges in the Obama
administration. INCLUDING OBAMA HIMSELF. All this talk from the First
Lady about eating healthy foods – coincidence? I don’t think so! We intend to
bypass the established Senate Committees and set up a Special Select Committee
just to address this Twiknie crisis, and stock it with the loudest, most
annoying Republican camera-hog Senators we can find. Then we will bring out our
most rabid House tea-party members to really light up the screen, led by
Darrell Issa and his impeachment managers. We’ll go after Biden too, and make
John Boehner our President! Slide that tanning bed right into the Oval! And now
here’s a recap of Rush Limbaugh’s emergency broadcast on this scandal….”
Don’t laugh. Because a
Republican jihad over Twinkies would be no more fallacious than their current
Benghazigate frenzy over a diplomat who merely repeated the talking points the
CIA gave her, just like Condy Rice did before her.
The truth about Twinkiegate is
that vulture capitalists of the Romney variety have taken over the Twinkie parent
company, and decided to sell off the Hostess assets and throw the workers out
of the factories, regardless of what happened in talks with the workers. Along the way they suddenly quadrupled the salaries of senior managers just before declaring bankruptcy, which in more enlightened times would be called theft. They
picked a fight with their workers, demanding cuts in pay and benefits which
they knew the workers couldn’t afford, and then blamed the evil unions for
destroying the company. So prepare to see more of this: firms destroying their
workers’ lives and then blaming the workers for refusing to work for pennies a
day. It’s not a bankruptcy: it’s a permanent lockout.
So Twinkiegate really is a
scandal after all. Republicans busting out a company like the Gambinos busting
out a mobbed-up restaurant, stealing everything that isn’t nailed down, firing
all the cooks, and setting the place on fire. The kind of future guys like
Romney envision for all of America. What if he had won?
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