When the Supreme Court overturned DOMA, the Jesus people went totally crazy. I mean, even for them. They screamed things into the TV cameras without ever considering how insane they looked. But then, calmer, they took their next big step. A few days after, they all trooped, grim-faced, to church to pray. They needed to talk to God. To pray for Obama, and five Court justices, and every gay man in America, to face God’s wrath.
Funny how the people who pray the hardest to God, get screwed over, time and again, by the Almighty.
Centuries ago, Christians prayed to win the Crusades and survive the Black Death. And they were ignored.
Two centuries ago the most devout were the Irish. Potato famine.
Recently the hardest kneeler-prayers in Christendom were the Mexicans. Swine flu.
A billion Muslims scream to Allah every day to destroy Israel, now in its 66th year and counting.
In America, where do the tornados, hurricanes and floods hit? You guessed it. The Bible Belt. The barefoot believers pray, and God hammers them anyway. Not one hurricane in Vegas, the Axis Of Sin, and nary a sign of God’s most famous instrument of punishment, flooding, on the infamous Strip.
And every year several hundred American churches burn to the ground, as their tobacky-spitting adherents watch helplessly. Do they have enough cerebral wattpower to stop and wonder why their church would need insurance against acts of God? Just think of it: every week the Jesus people go to church and pray for God to punish the people who break God's rules, and every week God burns down another ten churches. Ten a week! More than one a day.
So the other week, God gave gays two historic court rulings. Then he gave the Bible-thumpers ten burnt churches. Which group do you think God was punishing?
How clear does he have to make his message? Does he need to send the Angel Gabriel to earth as a skywriter?
“SURRENDER TO THE FRIENDS OF DOROTHY!”
Or perhaps God will get fed up with subtlety, and go straight down to one of the churches to deliver the sermon directly. He’ll go to some “Church of the Final Thunder in Swamptown Mississippi” and talk to the truly faithful. Or better yet, go on CNN. And he will give their prayers an answer.
Thus saith the Lord unto his flock:
“Okay, you stupid rubes.
“For starters, stop believing in miracles, stop asking for miracles! Did you ever wonder why the stories the preachers read to you, to get you to obey them, are always connected to the most unbelievable miracles? You are all condemned sinners, according to the insane fable of Genesis, with the six-day universe, the magic apple and the talking snake? I supposedly gave you the ten commandments after the miraculous plagues in Egypt which never happened, during the march to the burning bush of Sinai which never happened? You can be saved only by following church rules, because Jesus jumped out of his grave and flew off into space, which never happened? Only obeying the priest can save you from God’s unending rage and wrath – folks, I don’t hate you people nearly as much as Moses said I did! Yes, your fathomless stupidity gets on my nerves: clearly I should have made your brains bigger and your penises smaller, to teach you a lesson. But I’m really not going to kill you, and you’re not going to spend eternity in hellfire either! All that crap about hell was invented by priests centuries after Christ!
“Stop praying to me that you’re being persecuted! Nobody is burning you at the stake or torturing you or even making your church pay taxes. And it’s pretty hard to take your persecution complaint seriously, when you’re persecuting women on abortion and contraception, throwing bombs at abortion clinics, threatening liberal congressmen, trying to deny gays equal rights on health insurance and Social Security and Medicare and survivor benefits and income tax and parental rights, ramming new rules down everyone else’s throats on marriage and sex ed and book banning, driving politicians out of office for not being extreme enough, declaring war on the Boy Scouts because they don’t hate as much as you do, and screaming that everyone who dares to live their life their own way is declaring “war” on your whole way of life. Denying you the right to persecute isn’t persecution.
“And by the way, speaking of persecution…you folks have consigned the Dixie Chicks to the wilderness for ten straight years now? Stations won’t play them or run ads for their shows, musicians refuse to even talk to them? You took ten minutes to forgive Paula Deen -- how many years long is the sentence for the Chicks, exercising their right of free speech?
“Stop watching Fox News – it’s violates all the instructions I’ve been giving you. Book of Exodus, I don’t want you pulling guns and shooting burglars; Book of Numbers, abortion is okay; I said over and over that war is stupid and that you should bend your swords into plowshares; obey the government, pay your taxes, take care of immigrants and the poor, be suspicious of the rich….Fox News? That’s Satan’s gig, not me.
“Stop waiting for me to come back to live on earth. Those loons who wrote the Gospel of John and Revelation said Jesus was coming back in their lifetimes – it’s been 2000 years, people! After all this time, you people should have figured out how to love one another and stop killing each other, without me coming back to remind you: evolve faster! All you brain-dead idiots stocking up on tuna fish and ammunition in your bomb shelters, preparing for the End Times: you’re the ones who are getting left behind. Because nobody likes you, you make terrible neighbors, you’re incapable of minding your own business, and you’re the living embodiment of everything I tried to stop you from doing.
“Ignore the Torah. Even the ancient Israelites didn’t follow the Torah: most of them were dead by the time the book was even finished. Ignore the Torah: I said that in Romans, Galatians, Collossians, Ephesians and Hebrews. Peter, Paul and James, the founders of the faith, said you can ignore all that Torah crap about gays and shellfish and circumcision. I’m God, I can change my mind! And how can you Kentucky-fried lard-asses possibly eat all that ham and bacon, and still insist that you’re upholding Torah law? Have you even read the Torah, all that nonsense about eating vultures and grasshoppers -- you really think I care about how you handle mildew and dirt? In fact, you can ignore most of the Bible: most of it was written by a bunch of guys you never even heard of, to persuade you to obey them and give them money. You think I was the one who authorized all that lunacy in Revelation, or all that soft-core porn in Song of Songs? Read Isaiah: do you really think I’m that boring?
“How can you think I hate gays when I made millions of them, when a thousand different species have gay sex? Homosexuality is perfectly natural: it’s religious miracles that are unnatural. The first great king of the Jews, David, was gay: David and Jonathan had a love surpassing the love of women, they took off their clothes, they kissed, they wept, their parents tried to break it up because they thought it was shameful. Totally, completely, gay. Liza-Minelli-poster-on-his-bedroom-wall gay. And how can you think I wanted marriage between one man and one woman? At first I didn’t want to create women at all, and the men of the Bible almost all practiced polygamy, or abandoned their wives to go preach or just to run away.
“If you had just done what Jesus told you -- take care of the sick and the old and the poor, love one another, live for each other rather than just for yourselves and your own wealth or your own fame, peace, mercy, forgiveness, tolerance, reconciliation, meekness – all your problems would be solved by now. And imagine what the world would look like now, if only you had followed the instructions.
“How many church fires and tornados do I need to send, before you get the message? Pretty soon I will start burning the churches with you people still in them. My big mistake with Noah and the flood, was saving the people who prayed the most, and killing the rest. Next time, you Bible thumpers die first!
“Don’t make me come back down here!”