Mitch McConnell and Karl Rove are bullies. And like all bullies they are cowards. They are afraid that Ashley Judd, the actress, may challenge McConnell for his Senate seat – the fact that the most powerful Republican in the country is vulnerable to a challenge by a woman with no electoral experience is a surprise in itself. So they are spending big buckets of dirty money, attacking Judd. Even though she has yet to attempt any campaign in any political race, or even announce she’s running. These two guys think the people of Kentucky are a bunch of drooling rubes who will happily hold their coats while these two guys try to beat this girl up.
So I’d like to see Judd run. And here is how I think she should announce her candidacy.
“Mitch McConnell and his buddy Karl Rove have been running attack ads against me, before I had any idea about running for anything. That’s no surprise – Mitch has been running negative attack ads against all sorts of people for three decades. We’re used to it, aren’t we, Kentucky? Mitch has been telling you that he is the real Kentuckian, and that I’m some evil carpetbagger....from far-off Tennessee. Well, let’s unpack that carpetbag, shall we?
“We know Mitch isn’t a real Kentuckian, because he’s an extremist. A lot of people across this country think Kentuckians are a bunch of backward rednecks with more tattoos than teeth. And we’re not. A majority of Kentuckians even support civil unions for gays and lesbians, we tossed out the sodomy law, we protect gays from discrimination in employment and adoption and hate crimes and transsexuals. But Mitch doesn’t get the notion that Kentucky, like the rest of the country, has moved into the 21st century. He doesn’t really know us, so he doesn’t realize that we’re just like everybody else in this country: we think the Republican party has gone a little too far on immigration and guns and the budget and climate change. And Mitch is on the wrong side of all those issues. And he wants women to lose their right to choose, and all of us to lose affordable health care. He really believed al-Qaida and Saddam were the same thing and he supported illegal arrests, illegal wiretaps, and torture.
“Here in Kentucky we’re looking for somebody who’s honest, somebody we can trust. It’s a Kentucky value. Mitch McConnell has some explaining to do. He says he the real Kentuckian, but he was born in Alabama. He says ‘Hi, I’m Mitch”, but his real first name is Addison. He’s a lawyer who avoided serving in Vietnam, divorced his wife, and has symptoms of multiple sclerosis that he hasn’t explained.
“Here in Kentucky we’re plain folks who wonder how one of our neighbors got to be rich without actually doing a real job. Harry Truman once said that there’s no way to get rich in politics unless you’re a crook. So how did Mitch become a multi-millionaire? I’ll tell you how. He set new standards for corruption in the Senate, setting up earmark contracts for his cronies, and misusing money from a nonprofit. He took millions from bankers, insurance companies and crooked lawyers; eight times he got direct campaign money for voting or blocking a vote, and he has flipflopped on major issues for political gain. And of course he has blocked campaign finance reform and lobbying reform, and he opposes accountability for senior officials. Being a crook is not a Kentucky value.
“Here in Kentucky, money’s short, like it is everywhere else. We like getting our money’s worth. So we’re a little suspicious when we spend a trillion dollars on our government, and then senior members of that government destroy it deliberately, just to try to make the President look bad. Our man Mitch, a man’s whose salary we’re paying for, has broken our government with a series of filibusters and blocked votes, which is without precedent in the history of this country. Once he even filibustered his own motion! He doesn’t believe in majority rule, he doesn’t believe in democracy.
“And he’s a sore loser. That’s why he spent four years screeching that he was going to make Obama a one-term president. In Kentucky we believe in sportsmanship: when our horse loses, we smile and pay up. When Christian Laettner stomps on us on his way to the Final Four, we just say “congratulations”, and then get back to practice, and then win it the whole tournament four years later. We know something Mitch can never understand: how to play the game with class.
“Mitch McConnell of Kentucky – or should I say, Addison McConnell of Alabama – doesn’t represent Kentucky values. He’s a dishonest crook, an extremist, a man who hates American democracy unless he can buy it or hijack it for his own purposes. And he has no class. Is there anybody in this state who doesn’t think we can do better?
“People of Kentucky, we are the land of bourbon, bluegrass, barbecue, basketball, and betting on a fast horse. We’re the land of Abraham Lincoln and Jeff Davis, Muhammad Ali and Johnny Unitas, Daniel Boone and Henry Clay, Jim Bowie and Kit Carson, John Scopes and Louis Brandeis, Hunter Thompson and George Clooney. Do we really want Mitch and Rand Paul to be the public faces of our state? Let’s send a Senator to Washington who isn’t an embarrassment to our people!”